Mad Scientist

“Does anyone know who this is?” Mr. Whited asks us on the first day of 4th grade as he points to a picture of a silly looking man on the wall with his tongue sticking out.
Determined, my hand shoots up.
“That’s the guy from the dog movie!”
“Aha good guess! But no, it is actually Einstein. One of the greatest Scientists of our time. And the reason his tongue is sticking out in this picture is because he wanted to remind us not to take life too seriously.”
“But the reason I bring this up is because at one point, Einstein was like all of you. He was once 9 years old too. And maybe, the next Einstein is in this very Classroom”
Awe inspired, I fold my hands together and vow to pay extra attention during this next year of my life to the very special teacher in front of me. Mr. Whited loved to learn, and that’s why he loved to teach. And that’s why, in 4th Grade, I loved to learn.
I had never liked Science or Math before I met Mr. Whited. But there was something about his infectious curiosity that ignited something in me. He made Math fun. Something I had never thought possible before.
And although I didn’t know it at the time. He was right. The next Einstein was in his very classroom. At 9 years old.
… “I’m the next Einstein.” I say with a stupidly naive and vulnerable smile on my face, drowned out by the party that surrounds me.
Her face instantly sours.
“Isn’t that kind of narcisstic?”
God. Every fucking time. They don’t believe I’m smart…
I wondered often after that encounter why it mimicked and mirrored essentially every other man who had told me the same thing. Because, lord knows it was not the first time I had gotten that kind of a reaction. But this was a gay woman. I thought this was different. But it turns out, underneath, it was the same reason. They want to fuck me. So they don’t want me to be Smart. Specifically, smarter than them.
…
A Mad Scientist is a character archetype who is defined by their extreme intelligence, insanity, and scientific inventions. They could also be classified as an Evil Genius, or a Villain. But not always. You see, Doofenshmirtz of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated from the Disney XD show Phineas and Ferb, is a perfect example of this. Often growing up, my Father would point out the humor of how hard he tried to be an evil villain, when he was really anything but. If anything, Perry the Platypus, his arch nemesis who always foiled his “evil” plans, was more like his emotional support animal, with whom he had daily therapy sessions with to work through his childhood trauma, or “backstories”. Doofenshmirtz is an ideal example of an inversion of the trope.
But I would define a Mad Scientist as someone who is consumed by their obsessions. And for me, that was always preventing the End of the World.
And mad it drove me indeed.
… The question that plagued me in my Scientific Career for the longest time was Why does everyone think I’m crazy when I talk about my Science?
And to this day, it is still puzzling to me. Trust me, I have heard every excuse in the book.
“You’re lying.”
“There’s no way that’s true”
“You’re bluffing”
“What do you mean you didn’t go to school for it? You’re not a real scientist”
And the flat out and plain
“I don’t believe you” with an incredulous scoff at my face.
And while for most people, this amount of resistance would be discouraging enough to quit, I am not most people. For you see, I have spent most of my life being underestimated by others. The way I dance, the way I sing, how smart I am, even how good of a climber I am, and none of it has ever caused me to quit.
It made me want to prove them wrong.
“Well– all those boys who talked over you in class in High School, did it make you want to study harder? To get better grades than them?” My boss Andrew at the Climbing Gym in the Rino asks me at the front desk.
I am caught off guard by his question for a second, But I think about it — “Yes, actually.”
Because grades don’t lie. They speak for themselves. And so does my work.
Because my brain is worth billions. And what do stupid prideful people hate more than anything else? Knowing someone in the past that became more rich and famous than them. And so– Rich and Famous I shall become.
…
Don’t Look Up is a 2021 Netflix Film that features Hollywood Stars: Leonardo Dicaprio, Jennifer Lawrence, Timothee Chalamet, Ariana Grande, and Meryl Streep. It was a Star Studded cast for sure. But it was a tragic story of how humanity fails to save the earth in time for the impending doom of an asteroid hitting the planet. They knew, they had plenty of time to divert it, but instead they chose— smartphones? And then they all die anyways? Even the rich people who thought they could escape? A puzzling end indeed.
What I learned from watching Don’t Look Up, was that the audience will only pay attention to what you have to say if you paint a glossy coat over it. That’s why more men believed me about my Science in the Strip Club more than anywhere else in my life.
“Hello” I say from behind him.
“Uh– Hello” He says, almost startled, visually taking in my perfect form as I stand in front of him on a Friday Night at Platinum 84. Awestruck, his mouth drops.
“Can I sit?”
“Sure” he says and waves to the seat next to him.
And so our conversation ensued. This was a conversation I had many times before. Guiding men through the process of getting to know me. As a Scientist. In the Strip Club. I know. Not a place where you’d expect to talk about Science.
“Have you ever thought about the odds of how many people you may meet in your life?” I say to him while sitting on his lap, “Even at a Strip Club on a Friday Night you may meet say, 3 or 4 new people. But what about— specifically, the odds of meeting someone like the next Einstein within your entire lifetime?”
“Yeah,” he says inquisitively, “I have thought about that. I would like to think I could potentially run paths with the next Einstein.”
“Now– what about the odds of meeting the next Einstein in the Strip Club on a Friday Night?” I smile with knowing eyes.
His eyes widen before me in sudden realization of who he was talking to.
And so, for the next hour, I jabbered on about Black Holes while sitting in this Gentleman’s lap. Which solidly confirmed I was who I said I was. And the night ended like many another, with a private dance.
I often wondered why some of my earliest and most enthusiastic supporters of my Scientific Career were Men at the Strip Club. But– in hindsight, it probably had something to do with the way I danced. Because, how could you say No after seeing that?
I mean– they certainly did. Don’t be fooled, some of the earliest criticisms I received on my work were also Men in the Strip Club. It was sheer dichotomy for sure. But it taught me something:
The Audience doesn’t like a Scientist who is Angry.
…
“We're all gonna fucking die!” I say with a crazed look in my eye as I slam my personal copy of Superstorms by Time Magazine down at the bar counter at Shotgun Willies.
I didn't make any money that day.
Shocking. And yet, back then, I really did wonder why.
But, in hindsight now, of course I can see that the last thing any guy wants to hear when he walks into a strip club is a speech about the end of the world, the audience wants to be entertained for god’s sake!
And The End of the World is Not entertaining.
….
Smack! I place my decisive purchase down on the counter of Tattered Cover bookstore on Colfax. The title read: The Heat Will Kill You First.
An alarming title indeed, with a cover to match. But, I was ready.
You see, I had been eyeing this title for many months, perhaps because I was too scared to buy it. In fact, the first day I ever saw that dread filled book cover, I purposefully bought another title instead: A Handbook for New Stoics, How to thrive in a world that’s outside of your control. Almost the opposite in theme. But something nagged at me, even months later, I needed to own it, even as I worked through the stoicism workbook.
Because it was true. The heat will kill you first. It was an alarming fact indeed, one I had tried to run away from. And one that was outside of my control. For you could prepare for an arctic apocalypse, you could prepare for a famine, for a flood, but you could not prepare for The Great Heat Wave. The one that is coming. And if you don’t believe me, go ahead and read Dandelion on page ______.
And perhaps, I had made my own version of mistaking entertainment over the end of the world. I wanted comfort. I chose a different title, one that I barely read, because I wanted to avoid the collision of the future that was right in front of me. But ultimately, I didn’t.
And now, I own both books.
For this was an Apocalypse that was outside of my control.
…
Julia Jackson was a Sophomore at School of Mines in Golden CO when I met her. I wrote my very first math on the carpeted floor of her bedroom during a girl’s night, and in many ways, she was my first real teacher in Science. She was always a very kind and pragmatic person, a good listener, and creative beyond her means, but there was something sinister about our relationship towards the end. We both held on far too long without any real communication, and it had soured like milk.
Because Julia was smarter than me in many ways, I will not deny her own Scientific Genius and contributions to my work. However, she was not mad enough.
“WERE ALL 100% FOR SURE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!” Jennifer Lawrence screams on the screen as Julia and I watch Don’t Look Up together on the very last day I ever saw her. I let out a loud cackle as a dark cloud looms over my head. Julia looks over at me in horror.
It was true.
This was the Scientific Fact I had chased my whole life. One of our imminent implosion as a species. One of extinction. One of Total Collapse.
And although Julia and I agreed on many things in life. We did not agree on this one. Or she would have done differently. Julia wanted a safe life. With a safe career. And a safe degree. And she did not want to join me on this turbulent tumultuous path of my scientific journey. She did not want to Look Up.
Kate Dibiasky’s reaction was 100% appropriate, yet everyone made fun of her for it. Even though she was right. Which is why they had Ariana, I mean– Riley Bina, sing about it onstage. So they would believe her.
Because who would believe a lowly Astrophysicist about The End of the World? They would only believe a Popstar.
And so– Mochi the Popstar was born.
Mochi the Popstar is a character designed to grab your attention. She’s flashy, she's a great dancer and performer, she’s an ideal image of beauty. But, the thing is, she’s fake. She’s an illusion, a facade, a mirage, and once stripped away, the story is the same. The Story of the End of the World. For there are lots of stories you could tell about the end of the world, to name a few: Station 11, Don’t Look Up, The Day after Tomorrow, 2067, and even the classic zombie apocalypse; But few people expect the story about the end of the world to be a sparkly one. And so, I am telling you, my audience, this information now so that when you see me get onstage, you don’t forget what the story is really about. For I know, you will not listen to the words I say, which is why I will not be singing about it, but rather, dancing. My words will not live on the stage, but rather, on the page. So– Pay attention.
The Moral of the Story of Don’t Look Up is that by the time you can see it coming– it’s already too late.
WE ARE HEADING TOWARDS A GLOBAL MASS EXTINCTION
WE HAVE TO ACT NOW
BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE
Of course I'm Mad, I'm an Environmental Scientist. My core thesis is about the total collapse of our Planet.
And the truth is, that trying to prevent The End of the World would drive anyone to insanity.
And so, if you ever did meet me, and you had the audacity to tell me I was lying, or that I was wrong, I would challenge you to think twice about telling the next Great Female Scientific Genius you meet, that very same thing. Because, she’s probably right.
And you’re just mad about it.